Recovery?

I want to stop therapy.  I know it's bad but I so desperately want to.  I don't know where that girl who was so determined to get better went.  I sit at chick fil a with the kids I nanny for and think about how I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I'm officially 88% of my ideal weight and it doesn't mean a goddamn thing.  Everything hurts, everything aches and I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.   

I'm not even afraid anymore.  I'm not angry.  And I'm not sad.   

I am just numb.  

I keep going to therapy but some how her words are jumbled now.  They don't connect with me as much as they used to and I feel like she must be talking to and about someone else.  

restrict restrict restrict purge run restrict restrict restrict.  I'm like a little bucket filling and emptying.  My shrink says I'm making progress, my dietician does not.  The weight keeps coming off and off and off and sadly it matters very little anymore.  No food feels safe, no place feels safe.  

I am utterly lost.

Austen