Ambivilent

I'm constantly going back and forth with my eating disorder.  I want to be better but I don't know how to cope without my eating disorder because its all I know.  I cling to it like its my salvation, hold to starvation like it's my savior and turn my thinspiration into goddesses and look to them if they might teach me not to need.  My therapist talks about the different parts of me: the hurt, neglected, child, the rebellious, angry teenager and the present me.  When she talks about this present me I sometimes wonder who she is refering to.  Is it Austen the the bulimic, the anoretic, the EDNOS, the dissociative identity disorder, the whore, the prostitute, the rape victim, the student?  Or is it Austen the broken, the confused the hurt and the in pain.  The girl who hates her body so much that she desperately tries to carve away at it with knives and purging and restricting and running until she collapses.  The girl who can no longer go two hours without her eating disorder, the girl who no longer knows when she ends and her eating disorder begins.

I reread Wasted over and over again and the last sentence in the book reads: In the end, there is the letting go.  That is just something that right now, I can't do.

Austen